I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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