I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
