have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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