I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
