I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
