I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
