I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
