you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
