get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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