I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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