that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
