In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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