He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
a search helicopter?!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
