he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The ass gains better be worth it
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