i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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