Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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