shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
