i permit you to call me
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
