If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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