the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
