I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize