smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
