My brain says no but my pants say off.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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