A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
