I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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