I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
