My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
