I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
