I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
