this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
