hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
