My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
