I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
too bad you live with your parents still
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
