I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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