I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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