are you still at the devil's house?
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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