This is not my ceiling
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
