Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
