sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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