I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
