The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Randomize
