Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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