If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
