I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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