It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
