I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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