when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
