you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
