i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
