im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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