Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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