Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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