I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
