oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
