I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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