Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
