Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
