My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
