i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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