Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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