so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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