If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
