i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
cat food counts as protein by the way
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize