you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
