I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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