so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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